Archive for the ‘Recession Rants & Rages’ Category

10 Things the Recession Taught Me

About a month ago, I decided that it was time to call the Recession over. In response, the mainstream media and economists agreed and the Dow Jones surged 100 points.

Oh, recession. It’s been a bittersweet affair,but it’s time to take your chronic risk aversion, fear and dread somewhere else, along with your eight cats.

I have learned a few things, among them:

1. Being broke sucks. If I hear about how an ex-CEO or other high paid professional exclaim how much happier they are now, I may torch a Whole Foods store. Suddenly unburdened from their salary and benefits, they’ve learned to enjoy free-range organic hamburger instead of Kobe Steak and to get to know that family they didn’t know they had. There is nothing romantic about poverty, especially when your mortgage is overdue and you’re repairing everything, clothing, furniture, flesh wounds, with duct tape.
2. I was happier when I had money. It feels good to pay rent a week early, and still have enough money to go on a road trip or go on a DVD shopping spree. Although shelling out $500 to treat your diabetic cat is inconvenient, you’re not choosing between rent or a live cat.
3. I have a legit reason to hate rich people. The WSJ says the mortgage meltdown is poor people’s fault, but who gave them the mortgage? The Wall Street douches who bundled mortgages, then stacked more bundled mortgages on top of that, then battered and deep fried them, then served them as appetizers at their parties are at fault. Remember, these guys are smarter than me and the Free Market works for my benefit, even when the “invisible hand” is begging for bailout money from taxpayers.  Anyone who thinks differently should start humming the Internationale and reading Chomsky.
4. Community grills rule. My condo community has one by the pool and I got my money’s worth from my association fees. Even if I just grilled two hot dogs, I was using the ‘community’ gas, not mine.
5. Heavy Metal Rules. I wasted my teen years listening to synth rock and The Smiths. Youtube.com has just about every great aneurysm inducing metal video, including Judas Priest, Metallica and Warrant. Metal rules because no one plays air synthesizers.
6. Depression can be fun. Sitting around, unshaven for days, watching Family Ties reruns doesn’t cost a thing. Also I found old DOS days video games like Duke Nukem and Doom II and played them till the hard drive smoked. If self-pity was an Olympic sport, I’d get the Bronze Medal because life is cruel and unfair.
7. Be nice to people in retail/service industry. I had to do a stint at GameStop during the Christmas season. I thought it would be fun, but having to deal with customers having power hissies over why we don’t  have Gears of War a day before the BUSIEST SHOPPING SEASON OF THE YEAR takes patience and understanding. I have neither, but I came out respecting anyone who deals with the needs of the human species.
8. Sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. However, don’t have a crying jag in Publix or during a job interview. Trust me.
9. Don’t let go of your dream. Stalk it. Have a “chance meeting” with it at the Starbucks or at its workplace. Rent an apartment across from its home and tape its every movement. Ignore the restraining order. Run it down till it collapses out of breath and submits to you willingly.
10. God cares about your problems, everyone else doesn’t give a rats ass. God is a great listener, but for His sake stop bludgeoning your friends with your problems. People would rather listen to a skipping CD of Yodel to the Hits.

DIC #30 – Only One Recession Rant Missing

The host, Anthony, relates his recession woes, has some advice for you young folk, and really hates that short bald stockbroker guy on MS-NBC or was it CNN.

News:

- I’d like to shout out to vocalo.org (http://www.vocalo.org), a user content generated radio station.

- Check out where my life is inevitably headed: http://www.realtoilets.com.

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DIC #28 – Tripping the Seattlelite Fantastic

Guest Rick Arndt Reads from his drug-addled days in Seattle. A misunderstanding in the library gets me tossed out and my library card, and what’s left of my dignity, revoked. If you meet Michael Stipe in a bar, beat him.

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DIC #26 – Recession Rants and Rages with Summer

As part of the “Recession Rant’s and Rages” Series, Summer tells her layoff story and lays into the corporate big wigs.

Links:
Open Salon: http://open.salon.com

Summer’s blog: http://open.salon.com/blog/mungular

Anthony’s blog: http://open.salon.com/blog/anthony_elmore

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